


Safe Place to Land

by bartsy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 12:19:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bartsy/pseuds/bartsy
Summary: Aaron reunites with Chas and Liv in Mauritius.





	Safe Place to Land

Aaron’s exhausted. It had been an eleven-hour flight and with Robert’s constant complaining, it feels even longer. He comes off the plane feeling dirty and tired, his bones aching from sitting too long and head light from the change in air pressure. But more than he wants a shower and a good night’s sleep, he wants to see Liv.

He hasn’t seen her in months, not since the first (and last) time Liv had visited in prison, which had ended in disaster. He remembers how heartbroken she had been to see him like that, how angry she had been with him that he’d given in to something as toxic as drugs. He had never felt more ashamed in life as he had been when Liv sussed him out.

He can handle disappointment from Robert and his mum, at least he’s used to it, but he can’t stand knowing that he let Liv down.

As he sits in the taxi on the way to the hotel where Liv and Chas are staying, (just ten more minutes, he can feel his heart thumping) he lets the shame wash over him. He had promised Liv that they’d be better— that _he’d_ be better and he broke his promise.

He’s meant to be her brother and instead he’s just another person who’s let her down.

He takes a moment for that feeling to go away— he’s no use to Liv if he lets his past mistakes get in the way of the support that she needs. He’s supposed to be _her_ support, not the other way around. He pushes his guilt aside and focuses on Liv.

From their phone call, he can tell that she’s exhausted from taking care of her mum. She had tried to play it off as if her frequent yawns, slow answers, and apathy didn’t mean anything.

_“It’s all right, Aaron. I’m used to it.”_

This isn’t what he wants for her. He took her in because he didn’t want her to take care of anyone but herself anymore. Sandra’s accident was just that— an accident— but he can’t help the annoyance that builds in his chest. Aaron knows what it’s like to be let down by your mother. What Liv needs right now is support from Aaron and he’s going to give it to her in any way that he can.

Selfishly, what _Aaron_ needs right now is a hug from Liv.

He’s itching to get out of the taxi and see her again. He thought that he’d be able to sleep once he got out of prison, but he’s still found himself tossing and turning each night.

Normally, before prison, he’d have looked to Robert for comfort. But since coming home, there’s been something off about them. Robert fluctuates between being overly attentive and completely distant— both include him not listening to a word that Aaron is saying. Aaron doesn’t know what’s wrong with Robert, but he has a suspicious that _he’s_ done this. Aaron tries not to dwell on the obvious fact that Robert is still ashamed of him— still upset about the spice, disappointed that he couldn’t just stand up to Jason— and doesn’t know how to remedy the situation.

His relationship with Robert was far from perfect before he got sent down, but now it feels like it’s been ruined and it’s all his fault.

Aaron uses his last minutes in the taxi trying to keep himself from crying. He’s only moments away from seeing Liv and his mum again. Thankfully, he knows that they’ll both be in tears as well— at least Chas will, Liv will be pretending as if nothing affects her— and they’ll chalk his tears up to their reunion and not because he feels like a massive failure.

“Aaron.” Robert nudges him, the cash for the taxi driver in his hand. Aaron hadn’t even noticed that they had come to a stop and were currently parked in front of their hotel. Robert gets out of the car and Aaron follows suit, letting his legs stretch out in the warm Mauritius air.

They both pull their bags out of the boot and Robert hands the money to the driver, who leaves without another word.

“You ready?”

It shouldn’t be a loaded question. The answer should be easy: he hasn’t seen them in months and his body is buzzing in excitement. Nowhere feels safe without Chas and nowhere feels like home anymore without Liv.

He’s excited, of course he is, but he hadn’t considered until this very moment that Liv might still be mad at him. That, despite how happy she had sounded when he called her a few days ago, she might come to her senses and realize that she actually _is_ mad at him. When she sees him, will she smile? If he tries to hug her, will she push him away? Even worse, will she refuse to even open the door and turn him away entirely?

He ponders the possibility of calling the taxi back and returning home. He could lie to Liv and Chas, say that the flight was delayed and then every plane broke down and all the airline’s pilots were sick with something lethal and contagious and it was raining so they couldn’t fly, anyway, and there was no way for them to make it. They could go home and he could put Liv’s inevitable rejection off for a few more weeks. Maybe months, even.

But then he hears his counselor’s voice ring through his ears. “ _Forgiving yourself is the first step in healing.”_

Aaron looks over at Robert, wanting to hold his hand for comfort and assurance, but finds himself unwilling to reach out.

He nods and smiles. “Let’s go.”

\-----

Aaron’s hands are still shaking by the time they reach Liv and Chas’ room, so he can only muster up two gentle knocks against the door.

It comes swinging open not five seconds later, Chas looking deliriously happy. Liv, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found.

Before he can react, Chas reaches out for him. She hugs him so close and tight that he can’t catch his breath, but, ironically, this is the first time in months that he feels like he can finally _breathe._ He closes his eyes and lets the warm embrace smother him like a safety blanket.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers, a crack in her voice, “I’m so happy to see you.”

They hold each other for a few more seconds before he notices the atmosphere feel awkward and his mum goes tense in his arms.

This is his fault, isn’t it? He’s fucked up worse than this before and they’ve gotten through it, but maybe this is different. Maybe this was his last chance and Chas has come to her senses, realizing that Aaron just isn’t worth it.

He pulls back, giving her the opportunity to decide that he should leave. That he’s no good for her or for Liv— that she can take care of his sister much better than he can and that it was a mistake to trust him. That it was a mistake to believe that he could change.

But she doesn’t. When he sees her face, her eyes are filled to the brim with tears and her cheeks are a bright, splotchy red. He didn’t even notice that he’d finally allowed his own tears to fall until she takes his face in her hands and wipes them away. “I’m sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t be a mess when you came, but you know me, eh?”

“We’re as bad as each other.” He gets her to laugh, which makes him grateful for small mercies. He hates when Chas cries and hates even more when he’s the cause of it.

She steps back, moving her hands to his arms, keeping as much physical contact between them as possible. It’s like she’s afraid that if she lets go, he’s going to disappear. Sometimes, he worries the same.

Aaron looks around the hotel room which is split into three rooms: the bathroom, the living room that opens to a kitchen, and a bedroom. The bedroom door is closed. “Where’s Liv?”

There it is again— the shame. Liv isn’t here because she didn’t want to see him. She hates him for going to prison, for taking drugs, for everything else he’s ever done to let her down. She hates him and he doesn’t blame her.

“She’s hiding in the bedroom. Don’t know why, the girl’s been bouncing off the walls waiting to see you and then this morning, she didn’t want to leave the room.” Chas must sense Aaron’s nerves because she adds “I think she’s just nervous.”

He wrinkles his eyebrows in confusion. What could Liv be nervous about? _He’s_ the one who screwed up. Maybe, he thinks glibly, she’s worried that Aaron is still taking spice. She doesn’t trust him to be clean, but fair enough because he probably wouldn’t trust him either.

“I’m gonna go talk to her.” He turns to Robert, who’s awkwardly standing by the door. It startles Aaron, how much Robert looks like he doesn’t belong. “You okay out here with mum?”

Robert’s face goes through a myriad of undistinguishable reactions before settling on a— what Aaron notices as fake— smile. “Of course.” Aaron tries not to read too much into it, the stiff and heavy air between Robert and his mum, but he’s too anxious to see Liv to dwell on it for too long.

He goes over to the bedroom and, again, lightly knocks on the door. He waits until he hears a quiet “come in” before opening the door.

Liv is sitting crossed legged on one of the beds with a pillow in her lap. She looks exhausted— her hair’s pulled back in a messy ponytail, bags under her eyes, cheeks pink as if she’d recently been crying.

“Hey.” Her voice is so quiet and just on the edge of breaking, making Aaron’s chest tighten.

He pushes the white-hot guilt he feels to the back of his mind. “Hey.” He can’t help the way his voice goes soft, it’s like a built-in instinct he has when he talks to Liv. “How are you?”

She shrugs. This is his worst nightmare. He’s dealt with a lot of people hating him over the years for one thing or another, but the realization that Liv feels the same is like a brick weight sitting on his heart. He can’t survive like this.

He tries again. “I’ve missed you.”

Liv looks up at him, her big round eyes wet with tears. “Yeah?”

“Of course, I did.” He says without hesitation. “You didn’t miss me?”

“All the time.”

“Then why are you hiding in here?” He tries not to let the hurt in his voice shine through. He’s making a conscious effort not to guilt Liv or manipulate her into being nice to him. He wants her to want to want him around because _she_ wants it, and not because she’ll feel bad if she’s mad at him.

“I don’t know.” She shrugs again, but Aaron knows her better than that. He nudges her knee as a way to get her to tell the truth.

He decides that if Liv hates him, then he’ll just have to deal with it. Liv being comfortable in her surroundings, including the people in her life, is more important to Aaron than his own feelings.

“I just— I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

He certainly wasn’t expecting that. “What are you talking about?”

“For telling Robert about the drugs.” She looks straight at Aaron and he tries to match her gaze. It’s hard at the best of times for him to make eye contact, but Liv is confronting him with his own failures. Worse than that, Liv thinks that it was her fault.

“I’m sorry.” She goes on, her voice breaking. “I know you asked me not to say anything, but I was so scared for you and I didn’t know what to do. Aaron, I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

 “Liv, stop.” He leans over and takes her hand in his. “I don’t hate you.”

“But you told me not to tell anyone and then I did. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back.” She sniffles and rubs her hand below her eyes, brushing tears away. “I broke your trust.”

“No. No, you have nothing to apologize for.”

“But— “

He shakes his head fervently. “Stop. You did the right thing.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. It’s okay if you’re mad at me, I’d understand.”

Never mind what he said before, _this_ is his worst nightmare. Aaron’s good at taking responsibility for his own mistakes and even better at taking responsibility for _other_ people’s. It seems, much to Aaron’s shame, that Liv is exactly like him.

Why hadn’t he thought of this before? They’re alike in so many ways, he guesses that he had just hoped that his penchant for self-destruction and high threshold for guilt weren’t going to be genetic.

“Liv.” He says sternly, clutching onto her hand tighter. “I should’ve never asked you to lie for me. It was _my_ mistake, okay?” She shrugs noncommittally, like she still doesn’t believe him. He’s going to keep talking, as painful as that is for him, to make sure she understands.

He’s careful to choose his words, careful that he doesn’t guilt-trip Liv into taking care of him or his feelings. “I’m proud of you, y’know. I know how hard it is to do the right thing when someone you love asks you not to.”

The past briefly flashes before his eyes— he remembers how it felt to lie about Katie’s death for Robert, it had nearly killed him. He had done something _terrible_ for someone that he loves and he regrets it every day.

“I made a mistake. _I_ let _you_ down, not the other way around. Do you understand?”

Aaron watches sadly as Liv wipes her tears with her sweater sleeve. The guilt laying heavily in his chest grows tenfold. Liv is only fifteen, she’s just a kid. She doesn’t deserve this. If he hadn’t lost it on Kasim, if he hadn’t been sent to jail or taken drugs, they wouldn’t be in this position. She wouldn’t be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

This is all his fault.

“Liv?”

“Yeah,” she says, taking a deep breath. “I understand.”

“Good.” He gives her a small smile and after a second’s hesitation, she offers him one back.

“So, you’re, um, you’re okay now?”

“Yeah. Everything is back to normal.” He’s lying to her. Of course he is, but he doesn’t want to worry her any more than he already has. He feels sick with guilt and his skin is tingling with anxiety. He doesn’t have to tell her that he hasn’t been sleeping or that he can’t connect with Robert or that he’s still thinking about spice.

He’s _fine_ and that’s all that Liv needs to know. She’s not taking care of anybody but herself anymore.

“Good.” She repeats his affirmation. Something about the way she says it— the lightness and pride in her voice— briefly fills his chest with warmth and just for a second, he feels okay.

“Can I get that hug now?”

She nods, leaning forward so that he can get his arms around her. She wraps her arms around his midsection, resting her head on his chest below his chin. He squeezes her tightly, letting the air around them settle.

He’s dirty and exhausted and aching. He’s ten thousand kilometers away from Emmerdale.  His life is in shambles and he has no idea how he’s going to keep moving forward.

But he will. He’ll keep going and fighting and living because Liv needs him. He’s let her down enough these past few months to last a lifetime.

The sun shines through the window in the bedroom. The air is warm and calm. Liv is breathing normally, her tears starting to subside.

“We’re gonna be okay.” He says and he doesn’t think he’s lying.


End file.
